JOCELYN SOKOL’S ADVICE TO YOUNG MOTHERS:
THE CHOICE IS YOURS
September 20, 2016
by Jocelyn Sokol
YOUNG MOTHERS AND DECISION-MAKING
There are people who make decisions quickly, other people who deliberate over every choice they make, and then there is me. I weigh every pro and con, weigh each one again, and then the analyzing really begins. City or suburbs? Private pediatrician or group practice? Swiss or cheddar? However, when I was eight months pregnant, and about to become a young mother, I was let go from my job, and I thought, “perfect.” There was no weighing of pros and cons, a stay-at-home mother was the kind of parent I wanted to be. I somehow knew how much life would speed up as soon as my first child was born, and I wanted to be there to cherish every moment…well, almost every moment.
Seventeen years and three children later, I would describe the time that I had as a stay-at-home mother as the most rewarding and fulfilling time of my life. Yet sometimes I wonder what my life would be like today if I had chosen to remain in the workforce.
MORE SUPPORT, LESS JUDGEMENT FOR YOUNG MOTHERS
I’ve heard many women make judgements about the choice they did not make, most commonly sounding like, “I would never let someone else bring up my children,” or conversely, “I would die of boredom if I had to stay at home with my kids all day.” I don’t believe mothers should judge other mothers who have made different choices or do not live the way they do. I honestly don’t believe one choice is better than the other. It really is up to the individual to decide what is right for them. Whether you choose to be a stay-at-home-mom or a working mother, you gain and give up so much, and that is life. It is designed by the choices you make. This particular decision can be one of the most difficult for some because you really can’t know how much it will affect you until many years later.
I’m not sure how I made my decision so quickly and easily, without any deliberation. From the time I was a little girl, I dreamt about what I wanted to “be” when I grew up. It was relatively new that women were being brought up to have the same opportunities as men, and I planned to take full advantage of this. I graduated high school and college, and just assumed I would be making use of my degrees and accomplishments in the work force.
I did rejoin the work force a few years ago, but it was difficult. The phase of staying at home when my kids were young did not last that long in the whole spectrum of time, but it greatly impacted my future. After devoting my life to being a stay-at-home-mother, I lost focus when they grew up and no longer needed me in the same way. My identity became attached to being a mother, and as they grew I lost a piece of myself and my self-worth. Although I had garnered much self-esteem and confidence from feeling that parenting was something that I excelled at, this confidence did not extend outside of my home and small world around me. It is easy to leave work to stay at home, but the door does not easily swing both ways. Going back to work truly felt like I showed up at a party hours, even lifetimes, after everyone went home.
BEING THERE FOR THE BIG AND SMALL MOMENTS
However, being there every step of the way for my children was an incredible experience. My children and husband were my main focus, and this presented the gift that love and family are what matter most, all day and every day. My intuition as a mother showed me the specific emotional needs of my kids, and I was able to decide how to meet these needs depending on situations as they would arise. I had the opportunity to teach life lessons that presented themselves unexpectedly to my impressionable children through day to day life, and decide by myself how and if they should be taught. I got to see their shining faces looking up at me for guidance, and with a reassuring look watch them confidently move on with their task. I can’t imagine having left those faces every day. My children grew up so quickly, and I am grateful that I was able to be there for almost every moment.
So the question is, if I could do it all over again, would I make a different choice? For the purpose of this blog I struggled to answer this question, but the truth is having chosen a path that I loved makes me unable to answer this fairly. I truly feel that I simultaneously regret and am grateful for the decision I made. The only thing I know I would do differently is simply to consider the pros and cons that were specific to me as an individual, to contemplate how the decision I made would affect me in the future.
This is the advice I would give to young mothers today. Explore your personal values and traits through introspection or with a life coach, and consider how they will affect this decision for you in the years to come. Most importantly, check in with yourself every few months and search your feelings on the choice you have made. Don’t let others around you influence what might work best for you. You can continuously make changes if your desires shift. Empower yourself to know that no choice has to last forever.